Why You’ve Stopped Trying in Your Relationship…and How to Heal (Free Guide!)
Are you the one in your relationship who… just… stopped trying?
You used to be the one who initiated the conversations.
You were the detective, always looking for clues, always trying to solve the puzzle of the disconnection between you.
You’d try to talk, to ask questions, to fix things. And when that didn’t work… you’d try harder.
Maybe your tone changed. You tried being softer, hoping kindness would open a door.
Or maybe… you got louder. Your frustration became a plea: “MY LOUDNESS SHOWS YOU HOW MUCH I CARE!”
But after trying, and failing, again and again and again… something in you just broke.
The pain of trying and being rejected became greater than the pain of the disconnection itself.
So you shut down. You went numb. The motivation is just… gone.
If this is you, you’re not cold. You’re not indifferent.
You’re a burnt-out pursuer.
Signs You’re a Burnt-Out Pursuer
1. You’ve given up on resolving things
You used to always try to fix problems. Now, you stay quiet because it feels easier than trying to talk.
Even though it looks like you’ve given up, deep down you still long to:
Feel secure in your relationship
Feel important to your partner
Have your pain seen and understood
Feel close again
That longing never really leaves, it just gets buried under exhaustion.
2. You feel deep loneliness, even when you’re together
Spending time with your partner used to bring comfort.
Now, it only reminds you of what you’ve lost: the emotional connection that once made you feel alive.
3. Your body is telling you to stop
Your muscles are tight. Your chest feels heavy. You’re tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix. Your body has joined your heart in saying: “Enough.”
4. You’ve built a wall around yourself
You don’t feel safe sharing your true feelings anymore.
You hide your pain to protect yourself from being hurt again.
You tell yourself, “It’s fine,” but inside, you’re quietly grieving what used to be.
5. The story you tell yourself has changed
You used to think, “We’re a team.”
Now you think, “I’m all alone in this. My feelings don’t matter.”
That shift in narrative, from us to me, is one of the most painful markers of emotional burnout.
6. You feel like a manager, a roommate, anything but a partner
The spark is gone. The daily routines of life (parenting, chores, logistics) have replaced intimacy. You’re efficient, not emotionally alive.
7. Your resentment is growing
Little things now infuriate you.
Resentment builds where connection once lived. This is a symptom of all the unspoken hurt and unmet bids for closeness.
8. You’ve stopped asking for what you need
You want a hug, or someone to listen, but you’re too tired, or too scared, to ask.
The fear of rejection outweighs the hope of being met.
9. You feel hopeless about the future
You can't imagine things ever getting better. You are afraid that since you have no energy left, the relationship will just fall apart.
If This Is You, Please Know:
You’re not broken.
You’re reacting to the pain of trying to connect and not being met there by your partner.
This is a normal way to feel when you’ve tried again and again to reach for closeness, and it hasn’t worked.
There is a path back to connection, but it starts with tending to yourself.
Freebie!: “A Healing Guide For The Burnt Out Pursuer”
This worksheet helps you slow down, see your cycle, and care for your heart as you try new ways of reaching for your partner.
Subscribe to the Relational Realm newsletter below, and grab your free guide.
Self-Care for Burnt-Out Pursuers
You’ve spent so long worrying about the care of your partner that you’ve forgotten how to care for yourself. Here’s how you can begin to heal:
1. Name your pain
You don’t have to be “fine” anymore.
Understanding your feelings is the first step to healing them.
2. Treat yourself gently
Imagine your pain through the eyes of your younger self.
What would you say to comfort that child? Offer that same kindness to yourself today.
3. Give yourself a little peace
Maybe peace is a warm drink. Maybe it’s sitting outside, or listening to a song that soothes you.
Whatever it is, let yourself rest, even briefly, inside that peace.
4. Connect without pressure
Reach out to a friend or loved one with whom things feel easy.
Choose the relationship that doesn’t require you to perform or fix, just to be.
Journal Prompts for Burnt-Out Pursuers
What is the story I tell myself about what will happen if I stop pursuing?
When I’m putting in all the effort, what am I desperately hoping to receive back?
Reflect on the moment you first felt the exhaustion set in. What was happening when you realized the pursuit was no longer sustainable?
Describe the physical sensation of your burnout. Where do you feel it in your body, and what thoughts accompany it? When is the earliest time in your life you can remember feeling this same way?
You Don’t Have to Stay Burnt Out
If you and your partner are stuck in this painful cycle, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help.
EFT is a type of couples therapy that helps partners understand the deeper emotions beneath the conflict, and guides you back to feeling safe, close, and understood again.
Reaching for help doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
It means you’re ready to heal.
Madison Wilde is a pre-licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with advanced training in child and family therapy, as well as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS), two of the most respected, evidence-based approaches for deep relational and emotional healing.
She earned her Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from a COAMFTE-accredited program, where she trained directly under two certified EFT supervisors. This rare level of mentorship provided hands-on experience in helping couples transform cycles of conflict into patterns of trust, empathy, and connection.
Madison works with couples in Pennsylvania.
Couples Therapy serving Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut.
Freebie!: “A Healing Guide For The Burnt Out Pursuer”
This worksheet helps you slow down, see your cycle, and care for your heart as you try new ways of reaching for your partner.
Subscribe to the Relational Realm newsletter below, and grab your free guide.
You Deserve Healthy Relationships Once And For All