Quiz: Were You a Parentified Child?
This is a tool for self-reflection, not a professional diagnosis.
If these points feel familiar, it might be a sign that you took on adult responsibilities too young.
Answer "yes" or "no" to the following questions.
Your Childhood:
Did you often have to make meals, get siblings ready for school, or put them to bed?
Did you feel responsible for a caregiver’s happiness or emotional well-being?
Were you the one who cleaned the house because you felt like no one else would?
Did you listen to your parent's adult problems (like about work, money, or their relationships) as if you were their friend or therapist?
Did a parent ever tell you secrets they shouldn't tell a child?
Were you often asked for help on big family decisions?
Did you feel like you had to be the peacemaker and stop family fights?
Did you hide your own problems or feelings because you didn't want to be a "burden"?
Was your own sadness or fear often ignored because a parent or sibling needed more attention?
Did you feel like you had to be the "perfect kid" to avoid causing more stress at home?
Did you often miss out on fun activities, like playing with friends, because you had to do jobs at home or comfort a family member?
Your Adulthood:
Do you feel guilty when you are not doing something for someone else?
Do you find it very hard to ask for help, even when you really need it?
Do you feel like you have to be in charge to make sure things are done right?
Do you feel uncomfortable or bored when you have quiet time for yourself?
Is it hard for you to relax and just have fun without feeling lazy or worried?
Do you feel a heavy sense of responsibility for the people in your life, as if their problems are your job to fix?
Do you feel uneasy or even anxious when you have nothing to do or no one to take care of?
Do you often feel tired or burned out from taking care of everyone else?
Do you struggle to know what you truly like, separate from what others expect of you?
What Your Answers Might Mean
If you answered "yes" to several questions:
Your childhood likely involved a level of parentification. Having to act like an adult when you were still a child can lead to parentification trauma. The feelings and patterns you developed then can follow you into adulthood. Recognizing this is the first and most powerful step toward healing.
What to Do Next:
Our article on “How to Break Out of the Parentified Child Role as an Adult” is a great place to start. Remember, healing is a process. It may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who understands parentification trauma. They can provide a safe space to process your experiences and develop new, healthier patterns for your life.
How to Break Out of the Parentified Child Role as an Adult
In a parentified relationship, a child has to act like an adult. They become their sibling's full-time babysitter, their parent's personal therapist, and the family's money manager. They do all this before they're even old enough to watch a PG-13 movie.
This responsibility is a huge weight for a child to carry. Their minds and emotions are still growing and aren't ready for it. While the child is busy caring for everyone else, their own needs are often forgotten. This neglect may be a type of Adverse Childhood Experience (or ACE) and can cause parentification trauma.
The painful feelings from parentification trauma can stick with a person, even when they become an adult. They might show up as struggles with your emotions or in your relationships with others. If you are struggling with these feelings, you may benefit from seeking mental health counseling with a focus on healing from your parentification trauma.
In addition to getting professional help, there are things you can try on your own to break free from the "parentified child" role.
1. Notice where the parentified role shows up now
As a parentified child, you may have operated on autopilot. The first step to feeling better is to understand these old patterns.
Start by noticing where they show up in your life today. Ask yourself:
● Do I feel guilty for things that aren't my fault?
● Is it hard for me to let other people be in charge?
● Do I feel resentment that I missed out on being a kid?
● Are there any skills I learned from this experience?
● How is the way I handle stress now similar to or different from when I was a kid?
By noticing these patterns, you can make a plan. You can decide what to leave behind, what to keep, and what to change.
2. Practice managing your feelings
Children need to learn how to calm down their big feelings, and it's a caregiver's job to teach them. A caregiver helps by noticing a child's big feelings and helping them feel safe and soothed.
A parentified child may not have gotten this help. As an adult, they might find that strong feelings are hard to manage. When big emotions come up, it can feel like being that overwhelmed child again.
When you feel that familiar sense of being overwhelmed, you can learn to calm yourself. Start by noticing what is happening in your body. Name the emotions you feel. Your feelings are information, so you can get curious about what they are trying to tell you.
When everything feels like too much, it can help to have a list of calming activities you know work for you.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
The parentified role can be a hard habit to break, even for adults. Setting boundaries can help you change this pattern.
Boundaries are personal rules you create to protect your own well-being. They are about your own actions, not about controlling others. A boundary explains what you will do if someone crosses a line.
For example:
● Trying to control: “You have to stop yelling.”
● Setting a boundary: “If you start yelling, I will leave the room.”
People may not like your new boundaries at first. But for boundaries to work, you must be ready to follow through on what you said you would do.
4. Learn to Lean on Others
Parentification trauma often teaches a child that they can only depend on themselves. But people are meant to connect with and help each other. Feeling alone and isolated can be bad for your health.
If you want to learn that it's okay to need help, start with small steps. Try asking for a little support and accepting it when it's offered. Having good experiences where people help you can teach you to trust others again.
5. Reparent Yourself
What did your younger self need that they didn't get?
Did they need to hear kind words? You can write them a letter now telling them they did a good job.
Did they need more structure? You can create a bedtime routine for yourself.
Did they just need to have fun? You can spend a Saturday morning watching cartoons.
What your younger self needed will be special to your own story.
6. Learn Who You Are!
When you are stuck in a role, you don't always get to be yourself. You might only know how to be the person who takes care of everyone else.
Now is your chance to break out of that role. Get to know yourself!
What do you like?
What don't you like?
What are your dreams and fears?
Discover all the wonderful things that make you you.
You are a person, not just a job to be done.
You Deserve Healthy Relationships Once And For All