Why You Keep Explaining Instead of Feeling Understood (And What to Do About It)
The things we say (and the things we don’t say) have a purpose. We might share to voice a need or to feel closer to others. When our needs aren’t being met, sometimes we can get stuck in these stories. Being stuck might look like adding more details to a never-ending story. Other times, we might tell the same tale again and again. Often, a core need we are seeking in our communication with others is something called emotional validation in relationships. Over-explaining your point of view is a common way to try to get that core need met, though it often has the opposite effect.
First, let’s define emotional validation. Getting emotional validation in relationships does not mean agreeing, problem solving, or reassuring. All of those things are great when a situation calls for it, but they are less likely to provide the validation you want. Emotional validation means seeing someone’s experience and connecting to the ways in which it makes sense to you. As simple as it is, it can help calm an upset nervous system.
When someone is upset, seeking emotional validation in relationships, and not receiving it, they can become even more upset. When you reach a certain level of upset, your prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for decision making and logic) can go offline. This leaves you acting without logic, and sometimes stuck in a loop. Instead of trying something new, you might become a lawyer presenting the case of your emotional experience. You explain yourself and when that doesn’t work, you explain yourself more despite proof that this strategy is not working.
However, when something isn’t working, it’s time to try something different, no matter which side of the argument you’re on.
For the listener, this could look like providing that emotional validation in relationships by focusing on the other person’s experience and giving responses like, “It makes sense you’re feeling that way.” Sometimes, this means setting aside your own emotional experience in the moment if you are able.
For the person explaining themselves again and again, you can take a simpler approach. Focus on your emotions when you’re looking for emotional validation. This might look like sharing, “I’m feeling (insert emotion) because of X, Y, and Z.” And if the person in front of you can’t provide that validation, provide it for yourself. All emotions make sense in context, and yours are no different. Remind yourself that your feelings make sense, even if the other person cannot see it at that moment.
When we are being over-explained to or are over-explaining ourselves, it’s time to do something different. We can only ever be responsible for our own actions and hope that by changing them, others will show up differently. It takes courage from two people to feel emotional validation in relationships. When this is experienced, it can be beautiful for both parties.
Written by Mariah Gallagher, LCSW
You Deserve a Healthy Connection